Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I'm on a 60 day leave of absence from school...not a forced one, but a mutually agreed upon one between me and my academic team and my parents. With this upcoming surgery, it was felt that I should take the time off to recover and not have to worry about trying to complete school work while being all hopped up on pain meds. In my heart, I know this in the irght decision. Unfortunately, my mind is not seeing things the same way. The wires between the heart and mind are not connected. It seems that something has chewed through the wires and the mind is thinking one thing while the heart knows this is the right decision. My mind is telling me that by the end of the 60 days, I will not want to go back to school. I really hope this is not the case because I have worked to hard to come this far to just give up now. I am really struggling with all of these emotions. I have called someone from the Student Work-Life Program and am waiting for someone to call and speak to me...so here I sit and wait. I have two more weeks to go until surgery. Have I made the right decision to have suregery? I'm in constant pain and the4y have doubled my pain meds until surgery-so I think that surgery is my last option. everything else has been tried. The binder didn't work! Everything else they have tried didn't work, so surgery is all we have left. I just wish I didn't have to wait four weeks to have it done. I am so uncomfortable! I'm snapping at everyone, and Mark is not happy with the doctors at this point. He does not like being the target of all this anger. I do not mean to make him the target, but... Scruffi andf Taffy don't even come near me at this point. They just look at me and turn away when I get to yelling! I can't even get out of bed half the time, let alone lift my head off the pillow! Thank goodness Mark is helping with the children! He does so good with them. He makes their lunches and plays with them. They all love him so much. He really is a good babysitter! He is a wonderful husband and I am very lucky to have him in my life! Things have to start getting better--they just HAVE to!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
As I sit here typing, I am again reminded of how God's presence is always around me no matter what I am doing. It doesn't matter what kind of day I am having-or not having, He is always right there with me. God doesn't care if my socks match my outfit for the day...He isn't concerned if the dishes are done as soon as we use them...He isn't bothered if the laundry pile is growing for a couple days... The things that concern God are much more important! Have I talked with Him today? Have I meditated on His Word? Have I lived my life for Him today to the best of my ability? And have I told those that I meet about Him? Now, I know that it seems hard to do some of these things every day, but in order to live a full life, we need to practice doing things every day. Someone once told me that if you do something every day for 30 days it becomes a habit! That is good advice! I guess that doesn't include thinking about doing something! Habits can be a hard thing to break too! I speak from experience! I have some things in my past that are not the nicest things to remember, but in order to deal with them, I need to. Since I moved to this new city, I have bisically put my recovery on hold. This is not a good thing. I'm starting to see things surfacing now that I need to take action on before I get in trouble. It is hard starting over, finding new groups of people to hang with and get to know! But just like with anything else, God always walks beside me and knows everything I do before I do it. He was right beside me when I was going through all of the storms in my life and He never left me, so I know He is with me now, helping me as I go through the better times! Things will be okay as long as I continue to rely on God and continue to run to Him and rest in His arms when I need to!
Monday, June 14, 2010
We listen with our ears every day! We hear the birds chirping, the cars driving by, the thunder in the sky, dogs barking, and even children playing. Listening with our heart is an aquired skill. Why should we even try to do this? Because it is how we will "listen to God"! He speaks to us this way. When we take the time to stay still and be patient to allow God to work through us and in us, He will speak to us through our heart. For me personally, this has been a very trying experience. I am not a patient person. I have a hard time just sitting and waiting. I am not a super busy person by any means, my mind just tends to wander when I sit and try to wait on God. And my mind does not wander on things that are pleasant by any means. I have a very active imagination and it takes me down roads I do not wish to go. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I have trouble falling asleep at night because of this. I try to listen to music when I am goin to sleep so I can focus my mind on good things and that helps. I have tried to have music playing while I am praying and waiting on God, but that also draws my mind away from what I am supposed to be doing! I am learning, however, that practice makes perfect. I have been able to redirect my thinking to bring myself back to waiting momentarily, but I always go back to thinking about something else. So, I guess it is back to practice, practice, practice!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I never really thought I'd be one of the one's who would blog, but here I am. I find myself at a point in my life where I am exhausted from trying to understand why some people say one thing and act completely different. They say one thing to your face and then turn around and do something totally different. I almost feel like if it is alright for everyone else to do it, it must be alright for me to do it also. As I sit here writing this, God is touching me in a mighty way, reminding me that He is in control and I do not have to resond like others do in situations like that. He will see me through IF I LET HIM! It is totally a choice. Not a demand, but a choice. I have to choose to let God control my life in order for the relationship to work. And if I do choose to let Him do this, it has to be every aspect of my life. I can not pick and choose which parts I want God to have control over. It doesn't work like that. Never has, never will. I have to let Him have total control of everything. That has been the hard part. There are things I think I can handle, but I am slowly finding that I have been wrong for a long time. I have slowly turned things over to Him and life has become easier~notice I did not say easy, I said easier. God never said life would be easy. I do not think I would want to live in a perfect world. I would not know what to do. However, with God in control, it is pretty much as close to perfect as it can get I guess!